No seriously, why is it so difficult to trust yourself? Not asking for a friend. Asking for myself.
So the other day I was on Twitter, and this girl popped up on my timeline (she was a full-grown adult, I don’t know why I’m calling her a girl, but anyway). I don’t follow her. I guess somebody I follow liked her post or replied to it, which is how it made an appearance in my feed. But anyway, she was asking about a sentence she wrote for her book, or a story, or something like that. She was wondering whether or not it was good enough, whether or not she should use it, or change it, or maybe even throw it away I guess.
She had the sentence copied there, so I read it. I thought it was really good. It was descriptive in an unusual way, a creative way. Even though I don’t know her, as a fellow writer who has a tendency to be insecure about my work, I felt compelled to reply. I didn’t even check what other people were saying. It just seemed crazy to me that she was having such trepidation over a well-written line, so I commented, “beautiful – trust yourself.”
Trust yourself.
Ah, what I concept.
It’s funny, because I be so quick to shell out some good advice. And I be havin’ some bomb ass advice, if I do say so myself…but hell if I know how to take it.
Trust yourself.
How ‘bout trust myself. Believe it or not, I have the hardest time trusting myself. Or, maybe if you read here enough that’s obvious to you. But I mean, sometimes, I take it to another level. And, oh, I just got a revelation, I think it’s because I don’t think I have options.
That’s not just with life decisions, it can be with damn near anything. Like, say for example, I’m in the store and I only have $4 for chips, and the chips are like $3 and some change, and I can only get one, but I’m fancying two, so I gotta choose. That creates some serious cognitive dissonance in my brain. I will literally stand there for like two minutes, indecisive as fuck, trying to determine which one I really, really want, and which one I’d rather suffer the pain of missing out on.
I want choices without having to choose. I’ll take them all ( said in an aristocratic accent).
But that’s so often not the case. Life so often makes you choose. You choose and reap the rewards or deal with the consequences, but you choose.
Today, I had to make a choice (wow, it took me a really long time to get to this point, but anyway), and it was hard to choose. I had a job interview. My first job interview since I was laid-off. My goal is to work for myself, that I could turn this blog into my job. But I also have to be realistic, and that realistic part of me has me regularly applying for jobs.
It’s one thing when you’re applying for jobs and you don’t get a response back. It makes me feel like I’ve done my duty. But it’s another when you not only get a response, but you get an interview and you just might be pretty high in the running to close the deal. That happened to me today, and I realized that I don’t want this job.
Actually, I knew before the interview, but I thought going through with it would be the responsible thing to do. But when I look back of my life, for the last 13 years I’ve been taking jobs, and staying on jobs because it was the “responsible thing to do.” …I lost my train of thought. I don’t have time to try and get it back.
I guess my point is, sometimes the responsible thing to do, that thing that seems safe and secure is actually setting you up for a world of regret. Taking my hat out of the ring for a job, when I have no job may seem like a foolish move. And who knows, it just maybe, but I feel down in my soul that that job’s not the one for me, that I wouldn’t be happy if they were to choose me. So I’m going to step out on faith and trust that even if I’m making a big mistake, God’s going to see me through.
The interview went well, and maybe they weren’t going to choose me anyway, still I mulled over withdrawing damn near all day, before I finally decided to walk by faith.
This time, I’m going to trust myself.
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