So you failed, now what?
After my post, a few weeks ago, about failing quickly, I realized that while a post like that can be motivational, it also has the potential to leave you hanging. As if failure is singular. As if failure doesn’t sprout out like branches with the possibility to induce a multiplicity of vices.
Failure is tough shit. So if you’re going to bounce back after failure, you’re going to have to be intentional about doing it.
Now, exactly what does that look like? Well, I’m still learning.
After all, I’m no licensed therapist, and I’ve never been to therapy. What I have done, however, is failed…a lot, like a lot, a lot. And when I fail, I typically don’t take it well. I give up easily. Yet the problem I’ve encountered with that – that I’m now recognizing and owning up to – is that’s not working out for me. I gotta do something different.
Here’s the something different I’m trying. Since you’re here, come along — you might as well try it with me.
Let it Burn
After you fail, allow yourself to feel your feelings.
You’ll probably be sad, mad, angry, depressed, ashamed, embarrassed, some of these, all of these or even more. That’s fine. It’s all a natural response to failure. I think too often in society we’re considered weak if we admit to feeling these feelings. As if we’re all supposed to be immediately unbothered. I don’t think that’s healthy. Being unbothered takes a while, some work, or both. So I say feel your feelings.
And even if you put up a front for everyone else, at least be honest with yourself. I think journaling is good or just self-talk. For example, you could say: I feel sad because I really needed the money from that job I didn’t get and now I have to continue to struggle to pay my bills. Or, I’m really embarrassed because I told everybody about a new business venture that ended up falling through. Or I’m depressed because I’ve tried so many times and nothing seems to be working. You don’t want to pretend like it doesn’t hurt when it does.
The disappointment is real. It hurts. It sucks. So often we want to escape our pain, and that’s understandable, but ignoring it, or trying to distance yourself from it without dealing with it doesn’t make it go away. It’s still there haunting you, taunting you, controlling you in ways you’re not even allowing yourself to be aware of.
No, the best thing to do is confront the pain, and go through it. Of course, that’s easier said than done, but the quicker you can do that the better. Because the ironic thing about avoiding your pain is that you’re only setting yourself up for even more pain down the line. Best to deal with it now before it continues to compound like interest. Once you do, you’ll discover your stronger than your pain. Your pain is no match for you.
So acknowledge your pain. Feel your pain. Mourn the loss and then…
Let Your Feelings Know Who’s Boss
Just because your feelings are valid doesn’t mean they actually have merit. Let me explain.
While it may be valid to feel angry that a coworker got a promotion over you, especially if you deserved it more, but even if you didn’t, that anger won’t change the situation. As a matter of fact, it most likely will hinder it. Anger has the tendency to cloud your judgement, thereby impairing your ability to make rational decisions towards improving your situation.
Not only that, but anger will also be your guide, holding your hand every step of the way as you make decisions that ultimately set you even further back. So now not only did you lose a promotion, but you’re out of a job. Or not only did you lose a promotion but you also ruined a relationship that could have connected you to something greater, later.
Anger sees the worst in things. It takes away your options. Basically when you’re angry you’re not in control. And the thing about anger is it’s insidious as fuck. It’ll have you thinking that you did the right thing – that whatever it provoked you to do was a win. I mean let’s face it, the actions that you take out of anger can give you a sense of a victory, its own form of relief, only to look back, days, weeks, months, even years later and realize your so-called victory was really a defeat.
So when you feel yourself getting angry, or you already find yourself way past that point, what do you do?
I’m glad you asked, you…
Evaluate the Situation
The only person you can truly control in life is you, and even that’s hard to do. But what that means is you have to start with you.
Be honest. After the failure, ask yourself if you did your best, or how you could have improved, if at all. However, sometimes no matter what you do, things just aren’t going to go the way you want. And that’s when you have to make a decision.
If you didn’t do your best, figure out what you have to do to do your best the next time or for the next opportunity. Because as long as you’re alive, there’s always a next time, always another opportunity in some way. If you did your best and you still didn’t get the desired outcome, redirect your attention towards your overall goals and dreams, and decide if you want to try it again or find a different path to your dreams. Oh, and congratulate yourself for doing your best, congratulate yourself for trying.
In Genesis, when God was creating, well, everything, at the end of each day, He always said it was good. Whether or not you have reached a particular goal yet, whenever you take action towards achieving that goal, you might as well tell yourself it was good.
And in order to help yourself take those steps you have to…
Know What You Want
Knowing what you really want is so important; it’s like the roadmap or the GPS to your dreams. Life is full of distractions.
In life when you’re trying to get from point A to B, you’re inevitably presented with a lot of detours. Sometimes those detours may appear to be an accelerator, or a stepping stone, when in reality they’ve taken you way off course. And I just think the clearer you are about what you want, the less susceptible you are to those detours. The easier it is for you to stay on the right track.
Knowing what you want, I believe is tied to knowing your purpose. And to properly do that you have to…
Have a Relationship with God
When I was a teen there was this song that came on the radio on Sundays when they played gospel music. Part of the lyrics were, “The safest place in the whole wide world is in the will of God.” I remember singing along though not quite understanding the meaning. I’m sure it could mean a lot of things. But I’ve come to realize that one of those meanings is that if you know your purpose – the thing that God brought you to the planet to do – and you do that, you’re saving yourself from a world of trouble and heartache when you focus and go after it.
So make sure you’re putting God first. Pray, read your Bible. Thank Him for your blessings. Go out in nature and see the awesome work He has done. Look in the mirror and see the awesome work He has done. And know that you have that same power working in you.
So those are my tips to help you bounce back after failure – tips that are just as much for me as they are for you. Whew, that took a lot out of me…now I’m hungry.
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