I was apprehensive about composing this post today: one because I didn’t know what to write, but two because I kinda feel like I’m always complaining. Complaining about what I haven’t done, opportunities missed, wrongs done unto me and what have you. And I’m a strong believer in not complaining, even as I know that’s very hard to do, even as I don’t often practice it. I think I’ll do a post about that, probably no time soon. I’d probably need to hash that out, pray about it, study The Word (aka the Bible) about it too. I don’t know, we’ll see. I wonder if I’ve already addressed that here. After I post, I rarely read what I wrote.
Self-Doubt
I’m starting this post off this way because as you can see this post is titled Self-Doubt, Self-Discipline and a Thank You, and well, a big part of my self-doubt comes from stuff that I complain about. It’s amazing how this crazy confidence and crippling insecurity about my writing walk hand and hand.
Like sometimes I’ll read someone’s work and say to myself, “I can do so much better than that.” Then I’ll sit down to write and be unable to find suitable words. And that’s a bad example, because I shouldn’t be comparing my writing to someone else’s whether or not I think I can do better, but that’s all I can think of right now, so there you go.
Self-Discipline
Self-Doubt bleeds into my lack of self-discipline. I say self-discipline instead of discipline in general, because I tend to be very disciplined when I am working for someone else. Hire me to do a job, and I’ll most likely exceed expectations. I know how to increase efficiency. My brain automatically looks for problems and offer solutions. I think that may also be because I like puzzles. I play spider solitaire (4 suits) almost every day. I love solving problems, even if that means discovering that there is no solution, that discovery itself becomes the resolution, if that makes sense.
But when you are creating something out of thin air, which for me writing is—even if I research it, even if I’m putting in quotes and stuff—it still feels like, every time, there’s something missing. Like I’m trying to finish something that I’m not sure should have ever been started, or that I don’t have the ability to finish. So in fear of coming to that conclusion, I lag in effort until I end up with regret.
However, I’m working on that. I also have to get used to it not being fun all the time. I’ve held this fantasy that when you’re working on a fulfilling career or your life’s purpose that it’s supposed to always be fun, or for the most part it’s fun. And, it’s taken me literal decades to realize that that’s not the case. It seems to me that the fun often comes in meeting goals. The fun comes in finishing. I start way more than I finish. Right now I just want to finish what I start, regardless of the outcome, I just want to finish what I start. And yeah, there will be times where I have to change course, but knowing when to do that is also finishing.
Thank You
This brings me to the next section of the post which is the thank you. Knowing that all two of you are reading this helps me to be disciplined to write these posts. Just kidding, there’s actually three of you. But seriously though, I have really shoddy analytics—I’m not hooked up to Google analytics—so I can’t tell much about you guys. I can basically see which countries you guys are from (most, of course, from the US and also Great Britain). I can also see how long you stay on the site. It’s interesting, the majority of you stay on either 0-30 seconds or 30 minutes to an hour.
Another cool thing I can gather is when you visit the site, and the majority of you come around midnight on Wednesday night. That’s when I post!!!! Thank you!!!!
That tells me that there are some folks out there just waiting to read what I have to say – again, thank you!
I hope my words brings you comfort, maybe makes you smile. I hope you’re relating to them, learning from them. I hope my words are doing for you whatever you need them to do.
And yeah, well, thank you.
Leave a Reply