Okay so the above is where I want to end and right now for the next 30 minutes, I’m just going to write to get how I felt that night off of my chest. I want to congratulate myself on the successes of that night, the first of which being that I went there by myself.
The paragraph above is how I started off writing tonight. I procrastinated again and didn’t begin until around 8pm. What started as a 30-minute exercise just to get some ideas out, three hours and some change later – with a couple of short breaks – I was still going, and I realized I wasn’t going to finish in time. I thought about just cutting it off and editing what I had, but I want to tell this story for you the way I originally planned in my head. So instead of giving you nothing, I thought I’d give you this mostly unedited rough draft. I say mostly unedited because I sometimes edit as I go. Oh, but believe me when I say it’s rough. I’m talking illegible sentences, misspelled words – though some of those words are purposely misspelled. But you get the point. I’m not sure you’ll totally be able to follow the story, and too I didn’t finish the story. I just figured if I really want to show you how I write, I’d give you a chance to compare the beginning to the end. So I will be back, sometime before next Wednesday to give you the finished edited version…well, you know, as best as I can edit my own writing.
Oh, by the way, when I began that opening paragraph by saying “the above is where I want to end,” that’s because I had two main takeaways that I wanted to settle on at the end of this story. I thought I’d save those for the finished product.
So, brace yourself folks. Here is my rough, rough, rough draft of an upcoming post about my experience networking. Happy Reading!…
Even though I am a loner and I often go places by myself, contrary to popular belief, it’s never easy. I get nervous every time. I don’t do it because I’m so comfortable with myself or confident in myself that I don’t need the crutch of having someone else there to at least talk to, it’s just that I literally have no such person to rely on. And so then I have a choice: miss an opportunity to interact with people who work in an industry I want to be a part of, or get nervous, afraid. I choose going nervous and afraid every time.
The first time I went to a large event alone I was like 18 or 19 years old. There was an annual business conference in town taking place on my university’s campus. I wrote for the student newspaper at the time, and we were given a limited number of passes to cover the event. The journalism advisor held a lottery to disturb the passes, and I won on of the slots. The only thing is, to get full coverage of the entire conference both day and night, we had to go in shifts and go alone. For example I would come in in the day, one of my peers would take over at night, and if a peer was there at the same time as me, we covered different speakers so I was basically there all by myself. I think the main reason I wanted to go was because of the free food. They had ice cream and drinks, and by drinks I mean sodas and stuff, though alcohol as well I guess, and snacks. I remember they had this little area off to the side called a beer garden. I reminded me of the last scene in My Best Friend’s Wedding, it was kinda decorated like that, and in their the played sports on big TV screen and they had a table running down the middle with finger foods on it. One of the items they had were lemon bars. It was my first time seeing, let alone eating lemon bars, and I feel in love. Which is another reason I guess, that draws me to such events, they so often have free food.
Being a student journalism also gave me an excuse for being alone there. I wasn’t the lonely, friendless person who didn’t have or couldn’t get anybody to go with her. I was literally only given one pass to go. So because of that, I think I was able to approach it with a bit more confidence, because I had a purpose for being there that I wasn’t ashamed of even if it was still uncomfortable being alone.
Another thing I learned about being at such events alone and that someone always come and talks to me. I wouldn’t exactly consider myself an introvert, but I’m definitely no extrovert either. If you talk to me then I’ll talk to you back. And someone always talks to me. So even though I always go to these events alone, maybe with the expect of a couple times, I never remain alone; someone always comes and talks to me.
That, however, can be both a good and a bad thing. The good thing, is that I get a chance to meet new people in the industry and “network.” The bad thing is not everyone is worth meeting. I’ve had other loners who could sniff out the impostor syndrome on me and attach themselves to me just so they don’t have don’t have to be alone, ( only to ditch me when being around me no longer served their purpose. I was like a place holder, a seat filler to them) not to actually make a connection with me, and as soon as someone they feel can actually advance their career comes along they ditch me. Then there are others who capitalize on my insecurities by taking micro-agressive jabs at my status or lack thereof in the industry. Like this one time when I woman kept, who over the course of the night, kept asking me to tell her my name again, because she said, “I keep forgetting it.” I was 25 at the time, I think she said she was 26. She was a full-time writer at a newspaper. Like if you’re memory is that bad, how do you how a job? No, this was her subtle, or perhaps not so subtle way of telling me I was a nobody in the industry. I was a graduate student at the time, she was a full-time writer at a newspaper.
Then there was another time when this woman practically attached herself to me during the first day of a four day journalism conference. I was at an NABJ conference in Orlando Florida, and we were taking a bus over to Disneyland for the convention’s opening ceremonies. She sat next to me on the bus, and sat next to me during the show they put on. I think she worked in public relations. I worked in customer service at the time, and was trying to transition back into journalism. The next day I saw her and she completely ignored me.
My favorite was at that same conference in Orlando, Florida. While I was sitting at my table enjoying my food, this man came and sat next to me. He was a sporter reporter or column for a New York newspaper (not the times, maybe The Post, anyway) he came and sat right next to me and started conversation. We talked for a bit, then he asked me what did I do, and I told him I worked in customer service. No sooner had the words exited my mouth did he get up and leave.
I said all that to say, networking is a cutthroat business, just like business itself. People come to these events with an agenda. People come looking to meet other people who can do something for them, advance their careers, keep them in mind for the next job opening or what have you, and if they feel you are unable to fulfill, they’re done with you.
And that’s my problem, I’m not so good at being done with people. Well, I mean, I am, I’m sort of a bridge burning queen. I saw a quote once on Twitter that said let my path forward be lit by the bridges I’ve burned, and I felt seen. Still, even for me to burn a bridge, you have to have done something terribly egregious that warrants on second chance, or I’ve put up with your shit for a minute before I finally decide to cut you off.
I’ve never encountered anyone at a networking event who done something terribly egregious to me, and they don’t last long enough for me to reach the point where I cut people off. The duration of these events are short that my bullshit threshold.
I marvel at the way people so boldly (at least I think it’s bold, it would be bold if I did it) get rid of me. People have said they are going to the bathroom, going to get a drink, start talking to someone else near by and walk off, say, “it’s was nice meeting you,” and walk off – they are not always rude. They just know how to move on when talking to me no longer serves them.
Me on the other hand, even when I realize talking to you no longer serves me, if you stay with me, I will stay with you. If you keep talking to me I will keep talking to you. Because when I’m in those industry setting, around people who somehow managed to get a real job in the business, that wasn’t temporary or went beyond entry-level I always have this underlying feeling that I’m not good enough, that I don’t belong.
If this is the point where you are feeling sorry for me, don’t. Obviously somewhere amongst my insecurity there is a badass on the loom. I mean how else do I go to a conference full journalism professionals (I’m talking folks from CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, FOX, newspapers, magazines) as a customer service worker who admits to being a customer service worker, no less. Also, I can go toe to toe with any of them when it comes to discussing politics, social issues, and pop-culture. That and I’ve also been known to have a commanding presence when I enter a room. So while some people are drawn to me business of my insecurities, other people are drawn because of my confidence.
I’ll go to a conference alone confidently; I’ll walk into a room confidently; I’ll even discuss current events and give my opinion on issues confidently. But when it comes to talking about myself, all that confidence fades.
That is the history that I carried along with me into this Cocktails & Conversations event with Seth Meyers. I found out about the event through an email-list I’m on, and I RSVPed. The invite offer the choice to bring a guest, but my only option, of course, was to go it alone.
The confirmation email stated to arrive early as they overbook to ensure the event is full. The cocktails and finger foods, or tapas started at 6pm and the conversation with Seth started at 7:30pm. That’s a whole hour and a half of mingling before I didn’t have to worry about talking to people – daunting, indeed.
But, at least there would be food there. Food always gives me a strategy. Like I said, or perhaps I only alluded to it earlier, but anyway, I don’t go up to people, people always come up to me. I just don’t know how to talk to a random stranger – I’m better at responding. But with food there, if nobody ever comes up to me, I will be okay. ‘Cause ya girl’s gon eat. I don’t give a fuck who’s around me. I will never not have a good time when there is free tasty food in my midst.
The event was in the Hollywood area which was a good distance from me. I heeded the confirmation email’s warning and got there early. I arrived around 5:05pm and there was already like 15 to 20 people in line ahead of me. Worse, that meant I had like an hour to stand there, alone with nobody to talk to. The line was full of chatter. Even the one guy, a gentleman who looked to be in his late sixties, who came alone around the same time I did and was a couple people ahead of me, was soon joined by a friend. Not only that, but as people arrived, passing us to get to the back of the line, they spoke to him – he was one of them. All the talk seem to surround other such events they all had attended. Some are more exclusive then others, and one lady was bragging to two ladies about getting into a soiree on a studio lot just the day before while one of two ladies who saw her go in, but was not invited to attend, bemoaned her own absence while being in awe of her friend.
Meanwhile the two ladies behind me complained about a coworker who sent three that could have been communicated in one. At some point of them mentioned something about praising Jesus, and I thought, perhaps that’s my cue, that my in, but when I turned around one had her back to me, and the one facing me never made eye contact with me, so I thought better of saying anything.
In addition to ensuring I got in, part of the reason I arrived early was also to hopefully meet someone in line I could talk to, so I wouldn’t have to worry about making my way around a room full of people already in groups. However, my line game was whack. Nobody talked to me. I’m not used to people not talking to me first, yet I stood out there that whole time, almost an hour, and people said to me not a word. At that point I knew when I got inside I would have to turn on my food strategy, full effect.
The event started on time and as soon as I walked in there was a server near the entrance with a tray of drinks. He had like rosé, Chardonnay and sparkling water. I grabbed the sparkling water and surveyed the room. Already, the room was rumbling with conversation, everybody seemed to know somebody. Just then I saw another server with a tray of food. It was a bite-sized piece of toast with some kind of pea, parmesan and garlic, pea-sized dollop on top. I took one and got in line for the cocktail. They were serving a specialty drink called A Closer Look. I should have taken of picture of the sign that tells you what’s in it, but I wasn’t thinking. All I remember is that it had grapefruit in it. The bartender was really nice. I asked him not to make mine too strong, as I like my cocktails on the sweeter side and not heavy on the alcohol flavor. He said the drinks were premixed and pretty strong, but he could add some Sprite to it to dilute it. He did and it was perfect. I felt a little more comfortable with a drink in my hand, you know, it made me feel like I was occupied with something. Slowly a made way through the room and to the wall where I could lean up against it and sip my drink. That’s when I noticed that the food servers were coming out of a door near the wall I perched myself against. And that’s when I started helping myself…
…to be edited and continued.
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