<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have a job. It\u2019s not a fulfilling job, but it\u2019s a job I\u2019m\nincredibly grateful for. In the last two years, I\u2019ve been without a job more\nthan I\u2019ve been with a job, so I just feel so blessed that I earn a paycheck\nthat helps pay my bills. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But that\u2019s just the thing \u2013 that\u2019s all my paycheck does is\npay the bills. The thing about being without a job for so long is that when you\nfinally get a job, you\u2019re not starting for scratch, you\u2019re starting from a\ndeficit. I guess, unless you\u2019re making\nbig bucks, which I am definitely not. And when you\u2019re making little money, not\nonly do you have to play catch up, but you\u2019re totally fucked when unexpected\nbills turn up, like a trip to the emergency room. So just when you think you\u2019re\ngetting caught up, shit like that happens, or they cut your hours at work, and\nyou\u2019re scrabbling, almost like you were when you didn\u2019t have a job. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s me right now. I\u2019m that you I referenced above. So\nwhile I\u2019m thankful for my job, I don\u2019t want to work just to pay my bills and\nget by. I want to thrive. So I\u2019m applying for other jobs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I\u2019m happy to say, I\u2019m excited about the jobs I\u2019ve\napplied for\u2026well most of them \u2013 all except one. But I\u2019m deciding right now that\ngoing forward, I\u2019m only going to apply to jobs that spark joy (shout out to Marie\nKondo\u2026 at least I think that\u2019s her name, anyway). The latest job I applied for has done just\nthat \u2013 sparked joy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I applied for a teaching position at a community college. I\u2019ve actually wanted to teach at the\ncollege-level for quite some time now. I remember I was in college there were a\nfew instructors there who were in their 20s. One in particular I remember was\n25, and I thought that would be really cool to teach a class when you are just\nas young or younger than the students. At 40, that\u2019s less likely, while I may\nlook younger than some of these students, I\u2019m sure I will be older than most of\nthem, but I don\u2019t mine, I would still love to get that job. I would still love\nto teach. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I applied for this job, and right off the bat I had some\nambivalent feelings about it. One the one hand I didn\u2019t meet the minimum\nqualifications as they require you to have a master\u2019s degree, which had me\nfeeling down, but only a few seconds later I was feeling hopeful when I saw\nthat allowed you to apply anyway if you don\u2019t have a master\u2019s degree. You just\nhave to explain why you are qualified despite not qualifying. I thought, \u201cok, I can do that.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You see, I went to graduate school. I finished all my\ncourses. I have everything completed except the final paper, the master\u2019s\nthesis. That\u2019s the only thing standing between me and my master\u2019s degree. Why I\nhaven\u2019t completed that paper is another topic for another day, but the fact is\nit\u2019s not completed, and I don\u2019t have a master\u2019s. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So anyway, because I have close to a master\u2019s and I have\nwork experience, I was decided to apply anyway. One of the application\nrequirements was to submit your transcripts. And I thought ok, cool. I have a\ncopy of my undergraduate transcripts that came with my degree, and I knew I\nwould have to pay for my graduate copy, but the opportunity to teach is so\ndesirable that I thought it worth it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Getting my graduate transcripts ended up being a bit of a\nhassle, but I got them. And it\u2019s funny because I\u2019m a pretty smart girl. I think\nI come off much smarter than my grades indicate. And since it\u2019s been so many years since I was\nin grad school, like 15 years, I\u2019d forgotten how many Bs I\u2019d gotten. My\ntranscript was literally littered with Bs \u2013 way more B\u2019s than A\u2019s. I mean, it\nwasn\u2019t the worst thing in the world, but I was a bit disappointed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So you can only imagine how I felt when I took a look at my\nundergraduate transcripts. Suffice it to say they were much worse. Now don\u2019t get me wrong, it\u2019s not like this\nwas a surprise to me. After all, I was there. I earned those bad grades. I just\ndidn\u2019t realize back then what I was doing to myself. I didn\u2019t realize that 20\nyears later, the decision I made not to study then, would come back to haunt me\nnow. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I literally looked back over my transcripts and was mortified.\nI had every letter grade you can possibly get A,B, C, D, F , I, W and worst of\nall a U, which I remember being told was even worse than an F. As my eyes scrolled the page, looking at\nthose grades, remembering how I was on academic probation for what seemed like\nthe majority of the time I was in undergrad, the thought crossed my mind how\nhorrible this was. Like who did I think I was? There\u2019s no way they are going to\ngive me this job. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You see my problem was back then, and, if I\u2019m honest to some\nextent earn now, that I have a problem with delayed gratification. I can\u2019t say\nthat I studied more harder for the classes that I got A\u2019s in than I did the\nclasses I received F\u2019s. Yes, you read that right, that F is plural. It\u2019s just\nthat some classes were easier than other, some classes were more interesting\nthan others, and some teachers inspired me to work harder than others. That is truly the basis for all those grades,\nI was heavily influenced by outside influences. I had no self-motivation, no\nself-discipline. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now, in the present, looking back on my poor choices,\nchoices that came so carelessly and without more thought, I realize that I\nstill have a choice. I can choose to\nbeat myself up about something I can do nothing about, or I can move the fuck\non. And this time, instead of just letting my life blow in the wind, I decided\nto do the latter. I\u2019ve been beaten up in\nlife enough by those poor choices. I don\u2019t need to join in the fray. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I may have gotten a lot of bad grades in school, I still\ngraduated, and I graduated in 2001 like I wanted, like some people I went to\nschool with didn\u2019t think I would because my grades were so bad. Sure it wasn\u2019t\nin June 2001 like I was supposed to, it was December instead, but damnit, it\nwas still 2001. Even though I was on\nacademic probation a lot, I didn\u2019t stay there enough to get kicked out, and I\ndidn\u2019t drop out. I finished. I have my degree. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And sure, I didn\u2019t complete my master\u2019s degree, but I took\nthe steps to go to graduate school, even though I had a hard time getting in\nbecause my graduate grades were so low, but eventually I got in and I had a\nmuch better GPA than I did in undergraduate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I went on to get jobs, and come up with ideas to make\nthe places that I worked at better. And\nno I\u2019m not trying to sugarcoat anything. I fucked up in undergraduate school, I\nfucked up by not finishing my master\u2019s and I\u2019ve suffered the consequences\nbecause of that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But what I\u2019m not going to do is continue to fuck up by\nbelieving that because of some mistakes I made in my past, I\u2019m not good enough.\nThat because I didn\u2019t get good grades in undergraduate school, and I didn\u2019t\nfinish graduate school, that I\u2019m not worthy of a decent job that I enjoy. And\nI\u2019ll admit that\u2019s how I\u2019ve felt for most of these years since I left undergraduate\nschool, even while I was in graduate school, that\u2019s how I felt. I felt\nunworthy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And the funny thing is, I think it\u2019s feeling unworthy that\nhas been the biggest determinant of where I\u2019ve ended up, with a low-paying job that is unfulfilling, more\nso than the mistakes of my past. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
However, lately, being disappointed in myself has been\ngetting old. Like I really don\u2019t want to go there anymore. I\u2019m learning to\nforgive myself, the way it\u2019s been impressed upon me to forgive someone else. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Right now, what I know for sure is that I can do that job,\nand I can be damn good at it. Whether I get it or not, who knows? If I don\u2019t, oh well, I\u2019ll get something else.\nIf I do, great \u2013 it\u2019ll be a mutual blessing. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have a job. It\u2019s not a fulfilling job, but it\u2019s a job I\u2019m incredibly grateful for. In the last two years, I\u2019ve been without a job more than I\u2019ve been with a job, so I just feel so blessed…<\/p>\n