He hit me with a cheesy opening line that I regret I don\u2019t remember. Followed by several self-deprecating ones that I\u2019m sorry he felt necessary to tell. All before, unsolicited, he revealed that he was a director, and immediately I went from borderline annoyed to interested.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I say opening-line because I think calling it a pickup line would be presumptuous. But perhaps that\u2019s what it was \u2013 I don\u2019t know. It\u2019s such a rare occasion that I get a pickup line, I don\u2019t even remember the last time. It had to have been over a decade ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m not big on subtlety. If you\u2019re trying to hit on me and you use some kind of passive-aggressive language, that shit will go right over my head. I won\u2019t realize it until hours, perhaps even days later, if at all. Oddly enough the same goes for an insult. People will underhandedly insult me, and I will be like ha, ha, ha, that\u2019s so funny<\/em>. Then the next day I\u2019ll be like wait a minute, that bitch, I mean child of God, was talking about me<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Anyway, let me tell you how it all went down. I\u2019m in this restaurant for the afterparty of the LA premiere of a new show soon to debut on a streaming service. The restaurant is about two miles from the screening location and traffic was so heavy, it felt like it took 30-minutes to drive that short distance. By the time I arrived, the restaurant was packed. Once I got my food, I had to hunt out an empty place to sit. That\u2019s when I happened upon an open spot right next to him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As I approached, it was like I saw him, but I didn\u2019t. What I primarily saw was an empty seat, not to mention, ya girl was hungry, and nobody comes between me and my food, especially me and my free food. The seating was bench-style \u2013 one continuous bench along the wall\u2014with small, low tables in front of it. Space was so limited, there wasn\u2019t even a table for me. I ended up pulling up a little cylindrical ottoman to rest my plate on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally, I started eating and was only a few bites in when I hear this dude next to me say something that was so\u2026what\u2019s the word I\u2019m looking for…nonsensical perhaps\u2026that I was like what the fuck is he talking about?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Like the Rude Boys sang back in the day, I guess my thoughts were written all over my face, because he quickly said something different, though equally lacking in substance, and hella corny. You know, something like, \u201cthe sky is really blue today wouldn\u2019t you say?\u201d Just some completely random shit that would make you want to answer, muthafucka I don\u2019t know, we\u2019re inside a windowless restaurant at night<\/em>. But I\u2019m not mean like that. Instead, with a quizzical look on my face, I gave a short closed-ended response.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m just an old fifty-something dad out here,\u201d he engaged me again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It was such a short remark, yet so much was revealed in it about this total stranger that I only know exists because he\u2019s talking to me\u2013 he\u2019s a dad, he\u2019s in his fifties and he\u2019s self-deprecating \u2013 all before I even knew his name, though somewhere along the conversation he would tell me that too, again, without me asking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What do you say to a comment like that? I stuck another forkful of food in my mouth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m a director,\u201d he finally landed on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That, too, came out of nowhere, but I must admit, now, I was intrigued. Have you ever seen a flower in a pot that\u2019s slumped over, then you water it and immediately it stands up straight? That\u2019s how I imagine the change on my face seemed once I heard him utter those words. Instantly, he went from being a total bore, to me thinking, tell me more, tell me more<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n From there he rattled off a bunch of projects he\u2019s worked on. As of late, it\u2019s mostly been TV, but back in the day, he directed a few movies, including a black cult classic that he made sure to mention several times. I\u2019ve never seen it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019d heard of most of the shows he named; I\u2019d never seen most of them either, though. One he seemed to be particularly proud of was called\u2026well, let\u2019s call it Cape Crusaders. It\u2019s a pretty popular show that\u2019s also gotten a lot of critical acclaim. I\u2019ve only seen a couple of episodes of it and couldn\u2019t bear to watch the rest. I wanted to be honest, so I told him I wasn\u2019t into it. He was surprised, but offered up another show. This time, it was one I watched regularly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhich episodes did you direct?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI did a few from earlier seasons. You know that one when (insert actor\u2019s name) nuts in (insert actress\u2019s name) face?\u201d he replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cUmmm,\u201d I said, trying to recall the episode with a confused look on my face. I genuinely couldn\u2019t remember that episode, which was upsetting, because I thought I knew this show pretty well. I was so wrapped up in trying to remember the episode so I could discuss it with him, that I didn\u2019t even think to be insulted by the fact he just cavalierly talked about a man nutting in a woman\u2019s face. It wasn\u2019t until I got home and thought about it later that I took offense. It\u2019s like dude, you don\u2019t know me, you just met me, show some respect. Like Sheneneh says, I\u2019m a lady.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI also did the one that featured the dream sequence, \u201che ended up saying after the other episode wasn\u2019t coming to me. Perhaps he misread my confusion for being uncomfortable and saw the error of his ways.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh, I like that one. What was you\u2019re creative approach to it?\u201d I love asking that question. He gave me an answer, but with the music and all the other chatter going on, it was kind of hard to hear him. I don\u2019t know what he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now for some it may be off-putting that our conversation centered around him. Not me, I was perfectly fine with it. The more you talk about yourself, the less I have to talk about myself. Especially since I don\u2019t work in the industry, I try to keep the focus off of me. So, I was more than happy to hear everything he had to say about himself. Matter of fact, I was even trying to keep it going that way. Then, the conversation took a turn for the worst.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDid you work on this show?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSo what do you do?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n DUN, DUN, DUNNNN!!!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Or, to put it in more modern terms: Oh no. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no!<\/p>\n\n\n\n By now, I should be prepared for this question. It\u2019s pretty ubiquitous at these events. People use it to determine if it\u2019s worth it to continue to talk to you. I should probably practice answering with confidence, but I haven\u2019t, so I gave him what was on the surface \u2013 my own form of self-deprecation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNothing,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAre you rich?\u201d he inquired.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou must go to Stanford,\u201d he nudged on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I shook my head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cA student?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Okay, does he think I\u2019m being modest, or is he just trying to flatter me? Rich? Stanford? Student? Really? Though now that I think about it, perhaps he was just wondering what was my connection. Like how the fuck did I get in there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m a writer,\u201d I finally owned up to. \u201cBut like I don\u2019t have anything written in the industry, but I\u2019m a writer.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat genres do you write?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDramady, fantasy,\u201d I dragged out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou must like Octavia Butler.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was impressed. The mere fact that he knew her name was notable to me, but he also got cool points for making the connection between me, a black woman who said she writes fantasy, and Octavia Butler, a published black woman author famed in literary circles for writing fantasy. Though the fantasy I write is more like The Wiz. I think Octavia Butler is more sci-fi, but still.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I used to live in New York and went to professional networking events \u2013 it was for journalism back then \u2013 the conversations were often so erudite. I remember this one group of people casually discussing Shakespeare like most people would discuss reality TV. And it wasn\u2019t even like your Romeo and Juliet Shakespeare, it was like Henry VIII and The Taming of the Shrew. People used big words and could talk about economics and politics in a way that sometimes made me just shut up and listen. There was a running joke amongst those Big Apple dwellers that people in LA were vapid. Being from LA, I disagreed because I knew smart people. I mean these people weren\u2019t discussing Shakespeare at parties, but they were smart people. But there\u2019s a difference between LA and Hollywood. It wasn\u2019t until I started going to these Hollywood events that I began to understand what those New Yorkers meant. Most conversations at these shindigs skew towards what other events they\u2019ve attended and what celebrities they\u2019ve encountered, or worked with. And here this man was mentioning Octavia Butler to me \u2013 nice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI haven\u2019t read anything by her,\u201d I had to yet hated to admit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cToni Morrison?\u201d he went on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cMmmm,\u201d I said, wondering how I should put this, because I admire her work but I\u2019m not a huge fan. \u201cI like \u2018Sula.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh, I haven\u2019t heard of that one.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m not really into the slave narrative.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI get it. It\u2019s almost been trendy lately in Hollywood to exploit black trauma.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n What is this? He was saying something that I actually agreed with, something substantive. It just goes to show, you can\u2019t judge a book by an opening cheesy line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then out of nowhere\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m mixed,\u201d he tossed out there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Um, okay<\/em>, I thought, but \u201cmixed with what?\u201d was what I managed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He told me and that was that. I guess once a random statement blurter, always a random statement blurter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A bit more small-talk was exchanged as we ate our food at our respective tables\u2026well, he at his table, me at my mini ottoman. I never paid attention to his plate \u2013 how far along he was when I first sat down, nor what was left when he eventually got up, ending our little conversation just as abruptly as he started it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell, I\u2019m going to go up to the rooftop,\u201d he said as he stood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOkay,\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou really should check out Cape Crusaders, it\u2019s a good show,\u201d were his final parting words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I have to admit, I was a little taken aback that he left me so suddenly, so soon after our conversation began. I couldn\u2019t help but wonder why. Maybe it was because I didn\u2019t like his show. Maybe it was because my hot, beet salad, ravioli, and white fish breath was getting to him \u2013 we were sitting pretty close. Or maybe it was because he was just ready to leave. My mind can create an endless list of maybes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n After I finished my food, and a trip to the bar for one of the night\u2019s specialty cocktails, I went up to the rooftop as well. I was told there was pizza there, and, well, I love pizza. Not long after I emerged from the stairs, I saw him, embroiled in a conversation with a couple other men. He saw me too, yet neither of us acknowledged the other. I figured when he got up and left, he was done, and I wasn\u2019t going to beg the question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The rooftop was even more crowded than the dining room below. Instead of being square, it was more of a straight line, like a long, wide balcony. Again, I had to hunt for a seat. But first, I got my pizza. I ended up finding a spot midway along the roof. I pretty much stayed there the rest of the night, save for the times I got up to catch a server with a tray of dessert, get more pizza \u2013 oh, and manage a quick convo with the creator of the show that brought us all there. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But everybody seemed to already know somebody, already huddled in their own little cliques. I met no one else new for the rest of the night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n After a couple hours or so on the rooftop, I left. Once I got home, I googled the director. His IMBD page confirmed everything he said. He directed a few movies back in the late 90s, early aughts. Since then, he\u2019s had steady work directing TV episodes for different shows up to the present.<\/p>\n\n\n\n How crazy was it that I actually hobnobbed with a Hollywood director? All the more I wish I would have talked to him longer. I would have asked him how he feels the industry has changed since he first got in it? What does he feel the difference is between directing a feature film and TV? Does he want to direct more movies? Why hasn\u2019t he directed any more movies since his last one? What has his experience been like as a person of color in Hollywood? On and on and on and\u2026it was not meant to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Still, I couldn\u2019t help but think about how we started talking in the first place. His cheesy opening line coming at me when I wasn\u2019t even looking his way. How he went from that to calling himself an old dad. Then telling me he was a director, and enumerating his film and TV credits like I was an executive producer who could get him on his next set.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It reminded me of that time Dave Chapelle was on Oprah trying to explain why he walked away from $50 million. He mentioned how Mariah Carey and Martin Lawrence both had breakdowns. To make his point he asked the question, \u201cwhat is it about this business, that makes people breakdown?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now I\u2019m not saying the director was breaking down. What I am saying is there seems to be a palpable pressure in Hollywood to be an \u201cit\u201d person in one way or another. In addition to talent, skill and experience \u2013 in some cases, maybe even instead of those things \u2013 there is also a social currency one must possess that, interestingly enough, is also perpetuated and circulated by the very people who are affected most by not having enough of it. It\u2019s that social currency that makes so many of the conversations you hear and engage in in these settings center around who they know and what they do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One\u2019s proximity to big name shows, films and stars are all proffered in exchanged for being treated like, and therefore feeling like, you matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Perhaps that\u2019s why the director felt the need to name his accomplishments even in an inconsequential conversation with a stranger. Like Dave Chappelle\u2019s question, I too wondered what is it about this business that a steady working TV director would still not feel good enough? Of course there\u2019s always the possibility that he was just running game. But in any case, the point is it\u2019s the same thing that makes any of us not feel good enough. I\u2019ve been a Hollywood outsider long enough to know that this shit ain\u2019t relegated to that business.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes I think if I could just get a job as a staff writer (the lowest writing position on a TV show) I\u2019d be more confident at these events when that inevitable question comes along, \u201cwhat do you do?\u201d But it\u2019s like the saying goes, new level new devil. If anything, this encounter with the director is just a reminder to me that if I ever get into this business, if I ever make it in Hollywood, I\u2019m really going to have to have a strong sense of self. I\u2019m really going to have to know that my worth is not determined by my credits or lack thereof, even though I will be treated as if it is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n __________<\/p>\n\n\n\n