Believe it or not, I\u2019m pretty risk adverse. I mean I\u2019ve been known to take chances when it\u2019s an absolute long shot or when I\u2019m at my wit\u2019s end, but those scenarios are anomalies in their own right. I pretty much play it safe. I plan ahead. And when the going gets tough, I back off or give up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some years ago, about 13 years now, I took a swimming class at a local community college because I wanted to go on a snorkeling excursion, during my trip to the Bahamas. The water was said to be around 20 feet deep. Even though I knew they would be providing life jackets, I still just wanted to be able to swim on my own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One day, during class, I practicing in the shallow end of the pool. And I must say, my stroke was pretty good. Matter-of-fact, my whole technique was so on point. Sometimes I could even do the breathing thing. I think that\u2019s the hardest part of swimming: blowing air out through your nose while your face is in the water, creating that little pocket on the side of your face when you turn to breathe in the air and not mistakenly breathe in when your face is in the water. It\u2019s so unnatural \u2013 not too easy to pick up in your thirties.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So anyways, I was over in the shallow end of the pool, minding my own business practicing when the instructor came over to tell me I should take my talents to the deep end of the pool \u2013 13 ft. Of course I told him no. Then he was like why not. That\u2019s when I told him I couldn\u2019t swim in that deep of water. Again he was asked me why not. To that I simply said, \u201cin three feet I can stand.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He looked at me blankly for a moment. Meantime, I resumed my practice of swimming and standing, swimming and standing whenever I was scared, or unsure. He watched me for a couple laps then said, \u201cyou give up to easily.\u201d Now I was the one with the blank stare. I didn\u2019t know what to do with that information. It was like it was ridiculous and it made so much sense at the same damn time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
After all, I was the 31-year-old who that decided to take swimming lesson just to snorkel while on vacation. But I was also the one who refused venture out to the deep end of the pool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When it comes to the pursuit of my writing career, I\u2019ve been the same way. Sometimes I\u2019m bold at the beginning. I\u2019ll jump right in. But when I feel scared or unsure I stop swimming and I stand. That\u2019s a major part of the reason why I\u2019m just now, over 20 years later, actively pursuing publishing my book again. I was bold enough to send it to the New Yorker back then–jumping right in. But when they rejected it, I was scared and unsure of myself and so I stopped swimming. I\u2019ve been standing ever since.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There was a part of me that thought if a venerable literary and journalistic institution like The New Yorker can reject my story, then surely it can\u2019t be any good. Plus, the fear of getting rejected again, alone was enough to deter me from giving it another go, there or anywhere else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s funny, when you give up, or at least when I gave up, I did it to shield myself from the pain and discomfort of rejection. Yet unbeknownst to be at that time, I was trading it for the even more excruciating pain of settling and living outside of my purpose. Then you throw in this other dynamic of being an adult and having to pay bills and shit, and it all has the ability to leave you in a compromising position.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s the blessing of getting fired in this current horrible job market which has the rejection emails pouring in like the recent rain here in California \u2013 not to mention the companies that just ghosted me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not only have I played it safe when it comes to going after my dreams, I\u2019ve also been tepid when it comes to spending my money as well. \u2018Cause, uh, quiet as it\u2019s not kept, I\u2019m cheap as fuck. I\u2019m always looking for a deal. No matter how little my paychecks have been, I\u2019ve always managed to save something. These unexpected expenses can come out of anywhere \u2013 you just never know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now I have this book that\u2019s not only requiring me to believe in my writing, it\u2019s also pressing me spend money I would normally prefer to keep stashed away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I mean I have no job. I my unemployment is going to run out soon. I have some savings and money that I borrowed from my credit card, and I\u2019m prepared to spend it all on getting my book out there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve haven\u2019t quite done a complete cost analysis, but I know it\u2019s going to cost a pretty penny. As a matter of fact, I think I would need to sell anywhere between 100 and 300 books before I even break even. I\u2019m still doing the calculations, and I\u2019m still hiring people so we shall see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Speaking of hiring, that\u2019s a process that hasn\u2019t gone as smoothly as I anticipated. So far, I\u2019ve hired an editor. Now that that\u2019s complete, I have to hire a proofreader and I\u2019m also in the process of hiring a cover design artist, perhaps a formatter too, unless I can figure out how to do it myself. Then there\u2019s purchasing the ISBN numbers and the biggest chunk of the cost will go to the printing and distribution.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hiring the editor proved to be a challenge I was not expecting. I just assumed that since I would be paying this person, anybody I was interested in would just accept the job. But several people actually turned down editing my book. There were different reasons for different people but still, what it all boiled down to was more rejection for me to endure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This time, however, the rejection hit different. This time I was more fortified in my belief in my book and thusly my belief in myself if anything. I\u2019m not going to say the rejection came without any<\/em> hurt or questioning of myself, but I will say it was to a much lesser degree, moreover (moreover? Really? What is this 1580?) I was able to let that go more easily \u2013 undeterred.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve seen what happens when you play it safe. This time, I\u2019m going for it. I\u2019m betting on myself. I have the New York Times bestseller\u2019s list in my sights. But if not, then not. I\u2019ve been there before. I already know how to handle disappointment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s like that new Usher and H.E.R. song says, except I do mind feeling like I\u2019m about to fall, but with open eyes, I\u2019m ready to risk it all.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Believe it or not, I\u2019m pretty risk adverse. I mean I\u2019ve been known to take chances when it\u2019s an absolute long shot or when I\u2019m at my wit\u2019s end, but those scenarios are anomalies in their own right. I pretty…<\/p>\n