Actually I was laid off Friday, but I found out today, because I didn’t open my email until today. And I must say, I’m a bit surprised at how hurt I was. I mean I didn’t like that job. Hated going to that job. Told myself that if that job reopened after the furlough and called me back, I wouldn’t accept. But there is something about being rejected – even when the rejection is coming from something or someone that you don’t want – that’s unsettling.
I was supposed to be the one who took this furlough time to start my own business, create a flourishing writing career, propel my life in the direction of my dreams. I was supposed to be the one to tell that job fuck you, not the other way around. No matter how you slice it, it doesn’t feel good not being wanted, that’s all. I want you to want me.
Anyhoo, my ego aside, being laid off is actually a good thing for me. I think I need a good kick in the pants right now. I gotta take this thing more seriously. This is real life, my life, and I’m fucking it up right now with fears and excuses – and inaction. I’m fucking it up with inaction, and holding out for perfection that doesn’t exist.
I don’t write as much as I should. I don’t plan like I could. And that’s got to change.
Yet at the same time, I feel like a broken record. I try and I fail. I fail because I don’t try hard enough, smart enough, or I look at the failure as final instead of a redirection. And I don’t want to take another low-paying job that not only lacks a decent wage, but that also doesn’t challenge me, help me grow. I’m tired of working for a check, especially an incredibly small check. I want to do what I love.
I’m realizing now, to effect this change, I have to adopt a totally and completely different mindset. I have to plan for and work towards what’s possible, what I want to be possible, instead of confining myself to the ostensible limitations set before me.
I wonder what would happen if I actually did give it my all. Like really give it my all and set my mind towards accomplishing my goals.
Here’s to not having to wonder.
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