I sit down to write. I know exactly what I want to say. I just don’t know how to say it. I’m afraid to say it, because nothing that I say ever seems good enough. Nothing that comes to mind is moving me, is artsy enough to pass the inspection of my discerning eye.
Then the subject I want to write about is painful. It’s upsetting. And so instead of pressing through the pain and those fucked up first drafts, I just don’t write at all.
This is how I experience writer’s block.
You would think that by now – since I’ve been writing for over 30 years – it would go away. I most certainly did. I thought that by now I would have a handle on this thing.
It’s funny because I have evolved. There was a time when I didn’t think I was such a good writer but I just kept writing because it keeps tugging at me. But with time and – I’m not going to lie – compliments from others, I grew to think, “Hey, maybe I’m not so bad at this thing.” Yet I can’t think of a time when I’ve sat down to write and the words just came to me…except when I write fiction. When I write fiction, that happens sometimes. But when I’m trying to write essays it’s hard AF. It’s almost like I have to excavate each sentence from my mind like I’m on a dig at some archaeological site.
Right now, I’m trying to write a pitch that I first told you about here. It’s almost a month later and I’m still trying to knock it out, and by knock it out I just mean I’ve been letting it bug the shit out of me — a bunch of ruminations, few sentences.
Sometimes I’ll get inspiration at the weirdest times, like when I’m in the car, or those times early in the morning when I awake, but still not ready to let go of sleep. I try to repeat the idea, the structure in my head, but I forget it. Then I sit down to write trying to recall it, but nothing acceptable comes to me.
So now what I think I’m going to have to do is give myself permission to let the first draft be shit. I just need to get it out and then I can improve upon it later. I heard that as advice somewhere before, I don’t know where, but I believe it’s true. Just writing this makes me feel better. I don’t know why I want to lock myself in the prison of wanting to get it right on the first try all the time.
I’m just going to create an outline, or maybe a checklist of things that I want to include, what I want to say, and then just write something.
I’m going to take down this wall of stagnation, one writer’s block at a time.
Leave a Reply