I don’t want to even talk about it. I’m not a fan of the subject of my weight, but what can I say, it’s something I deal with.
Yesterday I went to the doctor’s office and found out that I’m a whopping 244 lbs. My scale said like 239, 240 and I was hoping it was wrong. And I was right, it was wrong, I’m even bigger. Right now I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, my previous biggest being 237, like Oprah’s. Just at the beginning of March I was 230, then quarantine happened and I started snacking.
But it’s not just how much I’ve been eating, it’s also that I haven’t been moving. I literally sit on my bed for most of the day, like I’m doing now as I’m writing this. When I want a change of scenery, I go from my bedroom to the living room and sit or lay on the couch and watch TV. And, well, it’s gotten the best of me.
Throughout this quarantine there’s been that little voice in my head saying, “get up, exercise, go for a walk,” and a few times I did, but for the most part I just didn’t feel like it so I didn’t. Now this.
And I have a scale, I saw the numbers going up, but sometimes they would go dramatically down, like 6 – 7 lbs down, and I thought that was promising. And I can feel it. There are so many signs. The other day when I was at the CVS (yes I said “the CVS”), I didn’t realize I left my wallet in my car until I was ready to pay, so I ran to my car to get it, and by the time I got back I was so out of breath I thought my mask was going to suffocate me.
Then there’s my clothes. I am now a solid size 18. I don’t even attempt to put on my size 16 pants, that I used to wear a few months ago, if they don’t have stretch in them. And anything new I’m buying has an elastic waistband or it’s a dress.
A couple of years ago, I brought a pair of size 18 pants because they didn’t have my size and they were on sale. Every time I wore them, they were hanging off of me. The other day I had them on and the material literally whistled as my thighs rubbed together while walking. That, and I’ve now met the acquaintance of my double chin – been fat all my life, and have never had a double chin!
But the most devastating part of this weight gain is my blood pressure. I’ve been staving off being put on blood pressure medication for about six years now. I go to the doctor, get an elevated reading, implement a lifestyle change, loose enough weight to get my blood pressure down, only to get it up again. And now here I am, back at it again, heavier than I’ve ever been, wondering what it’s going to take.
I’ve gotta make a change, so I went walking today. Tomorrow, I’ll go again, probably for about an hour instead of the 30 minutes I did today. It’s funny, right before this pandemic hit I was working up the courage to join a gym, now you couldn’t get me to set foot in one if you paid me.
I think I can get down to 230 pretty quickly, because when you are as big as I am, the weight initially comes off at a rapid pace. The smaller I get, the harder it is to take off the weight. I always seem to get caught up in the 2-teens.
Last year I got down to around 216, and I was there for a while until the holidays when I creeped up to around 225-230.
A couple of years ago, I actually made it down to 212, but it seems that I can never get out of the 2-teens.
But I plan on changing that this time. I have to get serious. I’m in my 40s now, I can’t fuck around. I couldn’t fuck around in my 30s either, but definitely not now. And these doctors be medication happy. They ready to put you on drugs like nobody’s business. And I guess if I have to, I have to. But I don’t want to, so I gotta make a change.
Up and down goes my weight on this merry-go-round. I’m ready for this ride to be over. And it will be if I decide to and stick with it. Maybe I’ll take pictures of myself and document my progress.
We’ll see.
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