There is a saying that goes, “I’m my biggest cheerleader and my worst enemy,” or something like that, and I must admit that is true of me. Well, except for the fact that I think I’m more of my worst enemy than my biggest cheerleader. It’s almost like in my own eyes I can do no right. Like even if someone else tells me I can, sometimes I just find it hard to believe. I am truly my worst critic.
When it comes to my physical appearance, she too does not get a pass. I scrutinize her to the highest degree, care of societal acculturation no doubt, but at the end of the day, I take full responsibility. I am not a fan of myself in pictures. I think I look better in person. I’ve been told I look the same. Anyway, when I found myself at an event recently where we were told to have someone video while you ask a question, I was thinking I’d really rather not, but then the girl sitting next to me volunteered to do so, and I was like okay.
It’s just that the angle from which she was getting me, I thought was just so unflattering. Of course I also had on a pretty unflattering outfit. Before I put it on, I thought I had more options, but I needed to do laundry and this was all I could come up with from what was clean. I weigh a good 25lbs more than I weighed when I purchased those jeans a year and a half ago. Meanwhile, the sweater I was wearing highlighted every roll and bulge created by my bra or my jeans, or you know, just being fat. It was either wear that or miss the event. Besides, I see big girls dressing like this all the time, so it was time for me to put on some confidence, regardless of my outfit and get out the door.
Anyway, I asked my question, the girl sitting next to me recorded it and sent it to me. Seeing the still image of the video in the text message, I was horrified. It was a side view of me. I remember listening to Steve Harvey, I think it was on the radio, one day and he was saying how the side view tells everything. And it’s so true. I can look like I have a flat stomach from the front, even as I’m as size 18, but just let me turn to the side and the truth that my belly pokes out comes with it.
So needless to say, I was not excited about hitting the play button on this video. As a matter of fact, I actually dreaded it a bit. But I’m also coming into a place where I’m practicing accepting myself as I am for who I am. So, expecting the worse, yet intending to accept it no matter what it turned out to be, I pushed play and watched the video.
I must say, I was pleasantly surprised. I wasn’t mad at all at what I looked like. I was like being almost 250lbs never looked so good. It even made me look like I have some semblance of an ass, when in actuality it’s more so nonexistent. I didn’t even mind the bra-strap rolls or how my muffin top was popping at the end of the video. I was truly like I look so much better than I thought.
Now that is not to say, that I’m one of these fat girls who promotes being overweight and doesn’t recognize or acknowledge the dangers that are associated with it. I’m still trying to get this fat off my back because I want to be healthy.
All I’m saying is in the meantime and in between time, if I’m gon be big, I might as well look like me. In the meantime and in between time, I might as well not be so hard on myself.
Get it girl!
P.S. I just read this and cringe at how critical I am of myself. I’ll do better.
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