I have a job. It’s not a fulfilling job, but it’s a job I’m incredibly grateful for. In the last two years, I’ve been without a job more than I’ve been with a job, so I just feel so blessed that I earn a paycheck that helps pay my bills.
But that’s just the thing – that’s all my paycheck does is pay the bills. The thing about being without a job for so long is that when you finally get a job, you’re not starting for scratch, you’re starting from a deficit. I guess, unless you’re making big bucks, which I am definitely not. And when you’re making little money, not only do you have to play catch up, but you’re totally fucked when unexpected bills turn up, like a trip to the emergency room. So just when you think you’re getting caught up, shit like that happens, or they cut your hours at work, and you’re scrabbling, almost like you were when you didn’t have a job.
That’s me right now. I’m that you I referenced above. So while I’m thankful for my job, I don’t want to work just to pay my bills and get by. I want to thrive. So I’m applying for other jobs.
And I’m happy to say, I’m excited about the jobs I’ve applied for…well most of them – all except one. But I’m deciding right now that going forward, I’m only going to apply to jobs that spark joy (shout out to Marie Kondo… at least I think that’s her name, anyway). The latest job I applied for has done just that – sparked joy.
I applied for a teaching position at a community college. I’ve actually wanted to teach at the college-level for quite some time now. I remember I was in college there were a few instructors there who were in their 20s. One in particular I remember was 25, and I thought that would be really cool to teach a class when you are just as young or younger than the students. At 40, that’s less likely, while I may look younger than some of these students, I’m sure I will be older than most of them, but I don’t mine, I would still love to get that job. I would still love to teach.
So I applied for this job, and right off the bat I had some ambivalent feelings about it. One the one hand I didn’t meet the minimum qualifications as they require you to have a master’s degree, which had me feeling down, but only a few seconds later I was feeling hopeful when I saw that allowed you to apply anyway if you don’t have a master’s degree. You just have to explain why you are qualified despite not qualifying. I thought, “ok, I can do that.”
You see, I went to graduate school. I finished all my courses. I have everything completed except the final paper, the master’s thesis. That’s the only thing standing between me and my master’s degree. Why I haven’t completed that paper is another topic for another day, but the fact is it’s not completed, and I don’t have a master’s.
So anyway, because I have close to a master’s and I have work experience, I was decided to apply anyway. One of the application requirements was to submit your transcripts. And I thought ok, cool. I have a copy of my undergraduate transcripts that came with my degree, and I knew I would have to pay for my graduate copy, but the opportunity to teach is so desirable that I thought it worth it.
Getting my graduate transcripts ended up being a bit of a hassle, but I got them. And it’s funny because I’m a pretty smart girl. I think I come off much smarter than my grades indicate. And since it’s been so many years since I was in grad school, like 15 years, I’d forgotten how many Bs I’d gotten. My transcript was literally littered with Bs – way more B’s than A’s. I mean, it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but I was a bit disappointed.
So you can only imagine how I felt when I took a look at my undergraduate transcripts. Suffice it to say they were much worse. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like this was a surprise to me. After all, I was there. I earned those bad grades. I just didn’t realize back then what I was doing to myself. I didn’t realize that 20 years later, the decision I made not to study then, would come back to haunt me now.
I literally looked back over my transcripts and was mortified. I had every letter grade you can possibly get A,B, C, D, F , I, W and worst of all a U, which I remember being told was even worse than an F. As my eyes scrolled the page, looking at those grades, remembering how I was on academic probation for what seemed like the majority of the time I was in undergrad, the thought crossed my mind how horrible this was. Like who did I think I was? There’s no way they are going to give me this job.
You see my problem was back then, and, if I’m honest to some extent earn now, that I have a problem with delayed gratification. I can’t say that I studied more harder for the classes that I got A’s in than I did the classes I received F’s. Yes, you read that right, that F is plural. It’s just that some classes were easier than other, some classes were more interesting than others, and some teachers inspired me to work harder than others. That is truly the basis for all those grades, I was heavily influenced by outside influences. I had no self-motivation, no self-discipline.
Now, in the present, looking back on my poor choices, choices that came so carelessly and without more thought, I realize that I still have a choice. I can choose to beat myself up about something I can do nothing about, or I can move the fuck on. And this time, instead of just letting my life blow in the wind, I decided to do the latter. I’ve been beaten up in life enough by those poor choices. I don’t need to join in the fray.
So I may have gotten a lot of bad grades in school, I still graduated, and I graduated in 2001 like I wanted, like some people I went to school with didn’t think I would because my grades were so bad. Sure it wasn’t in June 2001 like I was supposed to, it was December instead, but damnit, it was still 2001. Even though I was on academic probation a lot, I didn’t stay there enough to get kicked out, and I didn’t drop out. I finished. I have my degree.
And sure, I didn’t complete my master’s degree, but I took the steps to go to graduate school, even though I had a hard time getting in because my graduate grades were so low, but eventually I got in and I had a much better GPA than I did in undergraduate.
And I went on to get jobs, and come up with ideas to make the places that I worked at better. And no I’m not trying to sugarcoat anything. I fucked up in undergraduate school, I fucked up by not finishing my master’s and I’ve suffered the consequences because of that.
But what I’m not going to do is continue to fuck up by believing that because of some mistakes I made in my past, I’m not good enough. That because I didn’t get good grades in undergraduate school, and I didn’t finish graduate school, that I’m not worthy of a decent job that I enjoy. And I’ll admit that’s how I’ve felt for most of these years since I left undergraduate school, even while I was in graduate school, that’s how I felt. I felt unworthy.
And the funny thing is, I think it’s feeling unworthy that has been the biggest determinant of where I’ve ended up, with a low-paying job that is unfulfilling, more so than the mistakes of my past.
However, lately, being disappointed in myself has been getting old. Like I really don’t want to go there anymore. I’m learning to forgive myself, the way it’s been impressed upon me to forgive someone else.
Right now, what I know for sure is that I can do that job, and I can be damn good at it. Whether I get it or not, who knows? If I don’t, oh well, I’ll get something else. If I do, great – it’ll be a mutual blessing.
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