If you like networking throw your hands up!
What, no hands?
Okay then, you’re my people. If you do like it, God bless you; you’re amazing.
It’s been a minute since I’ve done it, and I’m just now embarking upon it again. For me, it’s never been fun, more like anxiety inducing, yet at the same time kinda necessary.
I was watching “The Real” today and their guest was a country singer named Breland. He was saying in order to be successful in his business you have to have three things: talent, hard work, and connections.
I feel like that’s true of most, if not all, industries, which is why I’m trying to step up my networking game this year.
Recently I attended a Cocktails & Conversations with Seth Meyers event that I thought would be a good opportunity to execute my networking goals.
Below, in random order, are the 8 lessons I learned or was reminded of after that event:
It doesn’t have to be called a “networking event” for you to network there.
The main purpose of this event was to campaign for Emmy voters to vote for Late Night with Seth Meyers to be nominated for an Emmy. Much like politicians go out on the campaign trail, this was essentially Seth putting his show in the campaign trail. I am not an Emmy voter. I’m guessing when they don’t have enough Emmy voters, they reach out to others to fill up the space.
I’m a Hollywood outsider, so I wasn’t sure if people typically network at these events. All I knew was that there were going to be a bunch of industry people at an event and this would be a great opportunity to meet them. I just think that any time you have an opportunity to go to an event where there will be a bunch of people in an industry you’re looking to break into, you probably want to look at that as a networking opportunity.
Prepare and practice before you go.
When it comes to practice and preparation, there are many things you should be mindful of before setting foot at a networking event. Things like, who’s going to be there – the type of people, entry-level, mid-career, higher-ups, a mixture of all – and being knowledgeable about the industry are important factors. But, I think even more important than that is knowing yourself, your purpose and your goals for being at this event.
In the past, I’ve put the majority of my effort into researching the event, the speakers and the industry, but not enough time practicing how I’m going to present myself. Of course you want to do those things to some extent, but I think more importantly you want to focus on what makes you great. Practice being able to tell someone who you are, your accomplishments, gifts, talents and goals. Practice being able to casually talk about what you bring to the table. Because someone always asks eventually, and it’s important to answer confidently.
Just talk to people normally, as if you are not at an industry event, have regular conversation, but don’t get too familiar.
These people are not your friends…yet, though eventually they could be. According to one networking advice article I read, that’s actually the whole idea – try to make at least one friend, instead of trying to find your next boss or coworker. The idea is that instead of going up to someone and handing out business cards, running through the bullets on your resume, or out-and-out telling them you want to work at their company, just have small talk. Maybe talk about general industry news, something in the news, or pop-culture. You don’t want to sound sales-pitchy. If the topic of career comes up, let it happen naturally rather than just coming out and asking for a job, or if someone can pass your resume. People usually do favors like that for people they know and like, so let them get to know and like you first.
You also don’t want to start gossiping about people like you’re brunching with your BFF. You never know who you’re talking to, or who’s listening in while pretending not to be paying attention.
Reach out to someone first.
As I stated in my last post, I never talk to people first. I always let people come to me. The only time I go up to people first is if they were on a panel, and then after the panel, if I’m so inclined, and I have questions, I will approach for an answer. But otherwise, if it’s just another attendee, I am not going up to them, saying anything to them at all.
Actually, I take that back. I did go up to someone…once. It was 2007. I was at a National Association of Black Journalists convention in Las Vegas where Hillary Clinton was one of the speakers. During the segment where audience members ask questions, this guy, a black man, went to the mic and said something about Hillary Clinton using black people, being deceptive to black people, betraying black people, you know, something along those lines. I can’t remember exactly, but anyway. Boy, let me tell you, Hillary went off on him. What’s more, the predominately black crowd began to cheer in her favor and went off on him too. Despite the hostile crowd, the dude stood his ground, and kept trying to get his point across until they got him off the mic.
Later that day, I saw him at one of the many receptions they have at that convention. I could barely hear what he was saying to Hillary Clinton during that session, they drowned him out so, but I was intrigued. So I had to go up to him and find out more. Besides him, I can’t think of another regular attendee that I’ve approached.
The reason I didn’t have a problem approaching him was because I had a very clear agenda. The fact that they didn’t let him talk made me ever more curious as to what he had to say. Because of that, I wasn’t worried about what I was going to say to him, or even if he was going to answer. People love to talk about themselves. And I was pretty sure that he would be happy that somebody was willing to hear him out after he was practically booed from the mic…and I was right.
In his case, I had an excuse, if you will. However, just going up to some random person and starting a conversation out of thin air is not my thing. But I want it to become my thing, because waiting for people to come to me, or someone to introduce me to someone else just leaves me bereft of a whole lot of other connections I could be making. So my goal for my next event is to make the first move and start a conversation with someone I don’t know. Matter of fact, I don’t even have to start a conversation, I just need to say something – how ‘bout that. I’ll just start from there. After all, this is networking, not dating. I can make the first move.
Learn to graciously leave people.
Sometimes you gotta make the first move to say hi, other times you gotta make the first move to say goodbye.
My problem is, not only do I have a hard time approaching people – which is why I just don’t do it at all – once somebody approaches me, I have a hard time leaving them. Start a conversation with me, and you’ve got a companion for the entire night. You can sit with me. I will follow you if you want me to. You can talk all night, or not say a word. Hell, I may even be sick of you, annoyed by you, wish you would go, want to go myself, still you will not be alone unless you leave me, because I’m not leaving you. Like unless I have a pressing legitimate excuse, I’m not going, you have to be the one to go. It’s a horrible bad habit, I know. I’m literally leaving myself at someone else’s mercy. But these events are so social, and so filled with people who know each other – even other people who come alone know other people in the industry they can gravitate to, whom they are familiar with. It’s like that saying goes, dance with the devil you know, whether than the one you don’t know…or something like that. So when someone comes to me, I just deal with them, because at least I know what I’m dealing with.
But again, sticking with people just because they come up to me has led to a lot of missed opportunities. It’s imperative that I learn to walk away from people that don’t align with my purpose and goals for being there.
I need to practice saying, “nice meeting you,” or “I’m going to go to the bathroom,” or “I’m going to go get a drink.” My only fear is, once I do that, where do I go from there? But it’s all about baby steps. I don’t have to walk away from everyone. I can start by doing it just once and grow from there.
Don’t bring up industry business unless you are confident you can speak on the issue with authority.
Just because you’re an outsider in an industry, doesn’t mean you’re not knowledgeable in that field. For example, let’s say you’re attending a networking event for accountants, but you currently work as a day care attendant. Even though you don’t work in accounting, you’re really into accounting, you read books on it. Maybe you’ve taken a couple classes. You watch YouTube videos, and you stay up to date on the latest news regarding accounting. In that case, I think it’s okay to talk about accounting with someone you meet, because even though you don’t work in that industry, you’ve educated yourself about the field, so you could probably speak with authority on certain accounting subjects when they arise. You could even bring some up. But even if you’ve done all that, if you get to the accounting event and someone starts talking about something in accounting that you know nothing of, don’t pretend like you know, because more than likely it’s going to become abundantly clear that you don’t know what you’re talking about by what you say. Basically, you won’t be fooling nobody but yo self.
That’s what happened to me at the Late Night with Seth Meyers Cocktails and Conversations event I attended. I watch a lot of TV and I love award shows. Gradually over the years, I’ve learned a little bit more about how giving out awards works. I remember back in the day Oprah said after winning so many times, she stopped submitting herself for the Emmys. I was surprised that you actually had to submit yourself or your show for the award. I thought there was a committee that scoured through all the shows and then nominated the ones they thought to be the best.
Later when I heard about the controversy surrounding Monique not campaigning for the movie “Precious” which she says subsequently led to her being blackballed in Hollywood, it solidified for me that nominations and even wins may not be merely merit based, but also have a likability factor to them. A bit of a quid pro quo, if you will.
Looking back, now I understand why they were having this event, but that night I wasn’t sure. All I knew is that I had an opportunity to go and I took it.
Also, I was just so happy that after coming alone, and standing in line for almost an hour without anyone to talk to, people were finally talking to me. And the thing that seemed to bring them over was my prowess at being able to consistently secure scarce bite-sized appetizers from servers trays.
So when this man came over and said: “What do they expect us to do? People are getting off work. They come straight here at dinner time. They want our vote, they should feed us,” in an effort to sound like I was in the know, I foolishly replied “Yeah, and we’re here for free.”
Now that I’ve looked more into what these events are for, I realize if they pay us to be there it would be like a mayoral candidate paying people to vote for them. It was a crazy statement that elicited no response, just a blank stare, and a change of subject.
My point is, don’t let that be you. If you don’t know what someone is talking about, don’t try to be clever and end up saying something silly. Just smile and nod, stick food in your mouth, take a sip of your drink, and keep quiet.
Congratulate yourself on your wins.
This is a really hard one for me. My default setting usually is to chastise myself for all that I do wrong. I’ll be like, why didn’t I move on from so and so, I should have sat closer to the front, I should have reached out to someone else, I shouldn’t have opened my mouth trying to be clever with my remark about us not being paid to be there, on and on and on. Once you do that, you just set yourself up to be in such a negative head space, that you don’t even begin to think of the positive things that you did. Even if you have more areas to improve in than those in which you did well, it’s still important to call out the good things you did and congratulate yourself for it.
Once it was all over, I made a point of giving myself props for all sorts of things like…
Arriving in time to get a good spot in line: I’m not someone who runs late a lot as much as I rush a lot to make it somewhere on time with a couple minutes to spare. But for this event, even as I was in route on the freeway, I knew I was making good time, so I was proud of myself for that.
Going by myself: Even though I am a loner and often go places by myself, going alone is almost always not my ideal choice. Going with the right person or people just makes the whole thing less stressful. However, going with the wrong person or people, can be an even bigger headache, so if you’re bringing others choose wisely.
Even though I’ve never gone to a social or networking event alone and remained that way – someone always comes up to me – you just never know. There’s always that fear that no one’s going to talk to me, or I’m going to look like a looser and so on and so forth. That’s why I congratulate myself for going alone, because before I go, I’m acutely aware of all these things, and yet I still choose to go anyway. And to me that right there is an accoutrement of badassary.
Divising the Food Plan: When nobody talked to me while I waited in line for almost an hour, once I got in, I thought I was going to have to spend the entire hour and a half cocktail hour with no one to talk to as well. That’s when I was like, “fuck it: I’ma eat.” Having that food plan gave me the confidence to be alone even if nobody else talked to me for the rest of the night. With my drink in one hand and grabbing appetizers from the tray with the other, I was gon be alright. Then what do you know? People started talking to me.
Being Myself: Eating that food without a care in the world was being myself, and that’s when people started to talk to me.
Look for ways to improve.
At the same time, I would be remiss if I didn’t also say how I could have made this event better for myself.
My goal was to try and make one friend. I didn’t do that. I spent way too much time with the sisters, the two siblings who came up to me while I was grabbing food from a server’s tray. While it was great having someone to talk to, they weren’t ideal people to connect with. The older sister, 66, was just there to accompany her younger sister, 58. And the younger sister said she’d published a book years ago, and wasn’t an industry insider either, nor did she have any plans to be. Now whether or not she was telling the truth, who knows. Perhaps she was just saying that to avoid the possibility of me slipping her a business card or resume, which wasn’t going to happen anyway, but she didn’t know that. But either way, whether she was an industry insider or not, she was not someone I should have spent that much time with, because our goals were not aligned. If I’m going to spend a lot of time talking to someone, it should be someone who’s trying to move their career in the same direction as me, or someone who wants to help me move my career forward, or someone I could help. Spending time with someone who just wants to talk to me to be nosy or figure out how to get snacks from a tray, should be kept to a minimum. I have to get better at moving on from people, even if that means I’m going to be alone again.
I should have put myself and my goals for the event first, and not worry about hurting the sisters’ feelings if I left them. What’s more, I’m pretty sure my absence would have been of no consequence to them anyway. After all, they had each other.
I should have sat closer to the front. I should have been prepared with a question.
So yeah, those are things I want to improve on for my next event. And I have another event coming up real soon.
Wish me luck, though I don’t believe in luck.
Until next time.
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