Believe it or not, I’m pretty risk adverse. I mean I’ve been known to take chances when it’s an absolute long shot or when I’m at my wit’s end, but those scenarios are anomalies in their own right. I pretty much play it safe. I plan ahead. And when the going gets tough, I back off or give up.
Some years ago, about 13 years now, I took a swimming class at a local community college because I wanted to go on a snorkeling excursion, during my trip to the Bahamas. The water was said to be around 20 feet deep. Even though I knew they would be providing life jackets, I still just wanted to be able to swim on my own.
One day, during class, I practicing in the shallow end of the pool. And I must say, my stroke was pretty good. Matter-of-fact, my whole technique was so on point. Sometimes I could even do the breathing thing. I think that’s the hardest part of swimming: blowing air out through your nose while your face is in the water, creating that little pocket on the side of your face when you turn to breathe in the air and not mistakenly breathe in when your face is in the water. It’s so unnatural – not too easy to pick up in your thirties.
So anyways, I was over in the shallow end of the pool, minding my own business practicing when the instructor came over to tell me I should take my talents to the deep end of the pool – 13 ft. Of course I told him no. Then he was like why not. That’s when I told him I couldn’t swim in that deep of water. Again he was asked me why not. To that I simply said, “in three feet I can stand.”
He looked at me blankly for a moment. Meantime, I resumed my practice of swimming and standing, swimming and standing whenever I was scared, or unsure. He watched me for a couple laps then said, “you give up to easily.” Now I was the one with the blank stare. I didn’t know what to do with that information. It was like it was ridiculous and it made so much sense at the same damn time.
After all, I was the 31-year-old who that decided to take swimming lesson just to snorkel while on vacation. But I was also the one who refused venture out to the deep end of the pool.
When it comes to the pursuit of my writing career, I’ve been the same way. Sometimes I’m bold at the beginning. I’ll jump right in. But when I feel scared or unsure I stop swimming and I stand. That’s a major part of the reason why I’m just now, over 20 years later, actively pursuing publishing my book again. I was bold enough to send it to the New Yorker back then–jumping right in. But when they rejected it, I was scared and unsure of myself and so I stopped swimming. I’ve been standing ever since.
There was a part of me that thought if a venerable literary and journalistic institution like The New Yorker can reject my story, then surely it can’t be any good. Plus, the fear of getting rejected again, alone was enough to deter me from giving it another go, there or anywhere else.
It’s funny, when you give up, or at least when I gave up, I did it to shield myself from the pain and discomfort of rejection. Yet unbeknownst to be at that time, I was trading it for the even more excruciating pain of settling and living outside of my purpose. Then you throw in this other dynamic of being an adult and having to pay bills and shit, and it all has the ability to leave you in a compromising position.
That’s the blessing of getting fired in this current horrible job market which has the rejection emails pouring in like the recent rain here in California – not to mention the companies that just ghosted me.
Not only have I played it safe when it comes to going after my dreams, I’ve also been tepid when it comes to spending my money as well. ‘Cause, uh, quiet as it’s not kept, I’m cheap as fuck. I’m always looking for a deal. No matter how little my paychecks have been, I’ve always managed to save something. These unexpected expenses can come out of anywhere – you just never know.
Now I have this book that’s not only requiring me to believe in my writing, it’s also pressing me spend money I would normally prefer to keep stashed away.
I mean I have no job. I my unemployment is going to run out soon. I have some savings and money that I borrowed from my credit card, and I’m prepared to spend it all on getting my book out there.
I’ve haven’t quite done a complete cost analysis, but I know it’s going to cost a pretty penny. As a matter of fact, I think I would need to sell anywhere between 100 and 300 books before I even break even. I’m still doing the calculations, and I’m still hiring people so we shall see.
Speaking of hiring, that’s a process that hasn’t gone as smoothly as I anticipated. So far, I’ve hired an editor. Now that that’s complete, I have to hire a proofreader and I’m also in the process of hiring a cover design artist, perhaps a formatter too, unless I can figure out how to do it myself. Then there’s purchasing the ISBN numbers and the biggest chunk of the cost will go to the printing and distribution.
Hiring the editor proved to be a challenge I was not expecting. I just assumed that since I would be paying this person, anybody I was interested in would just accept the job. But several people actually turned down editing my book. There were different reasons for different people but still, what it all boiled down to was more rejection for me to endure.
This time, however, the rejection hit different. This time I was more fortified in my belief in my book and thusly my belief in myself if anything. I’m not going to say the rejection came without any hurt or questioning of myself, but I will say it was to a much lesser degree, moreover (moreover? Really? What is this 1580?) I was able to let that go more easily – undeterred.
I’ve seen what happens when you play it safe. This time, I’m going for it. I’m betting on myself. I have the New York Times bestseller’s list in my sights. But if not, then not. I’ve been there before. I already know how to handle disappointment.
It’s like that new Usher and H.E.R. song says, except I do mind feeling like I’m about to fall, but with open eyes, I’m ready to risk it all.
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